It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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