how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
