I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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