my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
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