Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Boobs are out for the taking
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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