Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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