Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
