I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
