WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
