Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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