he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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