Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
