you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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