I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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