I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
