You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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