It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My boob is missing a layer of skin
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
