ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
