i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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