I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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