Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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