I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
