Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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