he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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