I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
