So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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