You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
