he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
