a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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