I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
When are your genitals available?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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