remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
