also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
