i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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