I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
