Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
