Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
