What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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