I need to stop coming to work sober
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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