Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
