My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
