I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This baby is an asshole
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
