Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
