Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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