the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize