And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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