You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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