Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
