Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
