I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize