It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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