I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
