all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
