ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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