I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
