Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
