either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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