awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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