you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
