The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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