wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
