My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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