I heard we made out
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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