whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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