You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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